Cultivating Genuine Happiness - 5 Lessons Learnt

Cultivating Genuine Happiness - 5 Lessons Learnt

We all want to be happy and minimize suffering. Here are five key lessons I have learnt about sustained happiness based on my formal learnings from the East and the West, personal reflection and engaging deeply with people across three continents as a transformational coach. (The names of the persons have been changed to maintain their privacy).

1. Each of us are whole and are simultaneously moving towards a full expression of wholeness.

Maya is a talented, smart and an empathetic senior professional. During a coaching session she spelt out how unappreciated she felt at work and was particularly frustrated that her important role in jumping in to support others was simply not being seen. As we unpeeled the layers of the onion, an important insight emerged - that she too was not adequately acknowledging, let alone appreciating, her own contribution. 

All too often, the clouds do indeed cover the moon and we forget that we too, like the moon, are always whole. The sense of being inadequate is only a temporary perspective….and that it will pass if we shine the light of awareness on ourselves with compassion! Since that session, Maya has come a long way in fully accepting herself and relies less on what others say.

2.    The Power of Acceptance: 

For the past few years, Shyam had been holding on to a memory of the past and resisting the present. He came to me wanting to let go of the hurt. The journey was not easy.  The little child in him first screamed out, then valiantly fought, used every trick up his sleeve, but finally, there was just 
one choice…..laying all the cards on the table, mourning a loss and just surrendering to the present. And in that surrender emerged a quiet sense of peace.

There are three discrete and connected stages in this process:

1.     Full acceptance - Not resist.

2.     Full embodiment of emotion– give oneself the opportunity to truly feel. A tear or two helps. This, in turn, leads to release.

3.     Full responsibility – Take responsibility. It’s your life. Your choices to make. And stop whining by the sidelines.

3. Align With a Higher Purpose:

Syd is a friend who never seems to get ruffled. I wanted to understand how he stays calm.



ME- How do you handle yourself when a loved one says something harsh?

SYD – I try and play the BIG game.

ME – The big game? What is that?

SYD – I have tried to align myself to a larger goal – “To make the world work better for all.” And when I do that, the smaller things don’t seem to matter much. Yes, there maybe a few road-blocks….but overall, I find that as long as I stay committed to this higher cause, the smaller stuff doesn’t bother me much.

The proverbial penny dropped. I thought back to the time when I too had a larger focus and been happier. Over time, I had indeed lost this ‘bigger’ picture and become more self-centred.  A good wake up call.

4. Surround Yourself With People Who Energize You

The ritual is pretty much the same every Saturday morning. Find a quiet space, place the breakfast orders and then for the next 45 -60 minutes simply connect about issues in our lives that we are grappling with. And so it was for over four years. 

Yes, your regular friends are important. But it is equally important to have a group where you can support each other by having open non-judgmental authentic conversations. Contemplative traditions have therefore highlighted the importance of regular ‘Satsangs’ (association with like minded folks) as an important support towards growth and long lasting happiness.

5. The Importance of Mental Defrosting

A few years ago, I received some disturbing feedback from a psychometric assessment – “Sanjay tends to quickly create an image of a person and then does not change it over the years even though the person might have changed.”

My first reaction was one that came from a self-preservation mindset….but then it slowly sank in. Could this be true? After a few days, I realized this was indeed the case.

We tend to create an image of a person very quickly. S/he is bracketed into three categories – Like/Dislike/Neutral. Over the years, people change but we refuse to accept the change. For instance, from my early childhood, my family had branded one particular cousin as being selfish. Recently when we needed some help, this cousin was the only one who proactively offered and delivered on the help required. But even now when this cousin is discussed within the family, the image of the past still dominates. Even acknowledgement of the cousin’s help is made grudgingly. So watch out for the frozen images and revisit them.
Mental defrosting is indeed needed!

Sanjay Chaganti is a Happiness Catalyst who transitioned from an international career in health and has devoted himself to cultivating genuine happiness and helping smart people lead more fulfilling and enjoyable lives. He coaches individuals and leads workshops on Emotional Intelligence and Balance across the world. (www.tillitonse.org)