SHARING VULNERABILITY BUILDS BRIDGES

SHARING VULNERABILITY BUILDS BRIDGES

A childhood friend and I spent a couple of hours together yesterday. I felt the urge to write this note triggered by a moment of vulnerability we shared.

Vignesh (name not changed and used with his permission) and I came together in Grade V, when we were about 10 years old. We joined school together, our apartments were next door to each other, he too was the youngest of three sons and we both shared the traits of natural exuberance and openness. Further, Viggi, as we all called him, sang wonderfully and I was a bit of an actor/performer…and so not surprisingly, we became the best of friends.  For four years we were inseparable and spent a lot of time outside school in each other’s homes.

Our school, set in the idyllic Kalakshetra School of Art and Dance campus had a laid back air where all around development of the student was nurtured amidst trees and beach sands. Suffice to say, academic rigor was not emphasized.

Then I moved schools in Grade 9. Or rather, my mother and brother(s) gently arm-twisted me to join a more mainstream school with more focus on academic performance. I went grudgingly. And my fears were validated. I felt I was thrown into the deep end. I struggled. I really did. However hard I tried, I found myself almost at the bottom of the class academically. I felt that the teachers (minus a few kind souls) looked down on me. Often, I struggled to understand the questions, let alone answer them!

And then I was thrown a life-line. One of the teachers noticed my flair for acting and soon I was cast in the school play. This opened new doors to intra-school and inter-school competitions where my talents in the performing arts were given expression. I excelled. But more importantly, my self-image that had taken a huge hit bounced back and in fact, I grew very confident. Being nominated by the very same teachers to stand for election for the School President (SPL) and then winning the election was the crowning glory.

My redemption was complete!

But it came at a price…..

Over the next few years, I dived deeper into inter-college competitions. The thrill of winning and the resultant adulation was akin to a drug. I was hooked. Gradually a formula became part of my self-image – winning in competitions = Recognition (being seen) = Happiness. And whatever or whomsoever came in the way was ignored or treated as a competitor who needed to be vanquished.

Viggi and I lost touch pretty soon after I changed schools. Our paths crossed once a while when I would hear him sing at inter-college competitions. I had new friends (and members of ‘my’ team) and our paths diverged. I lost touch with almost all my child-hood friends and a newer group from high-school and college occupied the ‘child-hood friends space’ in my head.

A few years ago, at a school re-union, Viggi and I reconnected. So much had changed over 25-30 years. For the past few years, we have been in touch…polite, friendly but not remotely close to what we shared in those formative years.

Yesterday was different.

Viggi came over and we spent a few relaxed hour together openly sharing some of the challenges we each face and aspirations. As I was dropping him back, I found myself saying the following: “You know, we were so similar in school…we were both warm and affectionate…..I see you have remained the same….you reach out and connect and exude the same warmth you did years ago. I don’t. I have become harder. Moving schools made a big difference. I had to fight to be seen as my self-image took a hit and the inter-school/college competitions that I excelled in were an important balm for my bruised ego. I needed that steel”

There was a moment of silence.

Then Viggi spoke – “You know in college we met once at an inter-collegiate festival at MCC. I was saddened that you only saw me as a competitor. All the years of friendship seemed washed away.”

I listened…..

We held silence for a while.

I think he understood where I had been coming from. That is his natural goodness……

I dropped him off a few minutes later. As I drove back and through the rest of the day, what he shared continued to play in my mind. I felt compelled to write this piece this morning. If you are reading this, its because Viggi said it was okay for me to share….

Jan 30, 2020

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