"BE LIKE WOOD" - Handling Regrettable Episodes

"BE LIKE WOOD" 
What Happened

I lost my cool once in January and once again in February. It not only left others disturbed, but certainly shook me up too. I am writing this post to better understand what happened towards becoming more balanced and skilful in my response in the future. Also will be sharing with a few folks interested in cultivating emotional balance. 

The first incident happened on my birthday. And the second smaller outburst (and less destructive) a few minutes before a public event where I was the co-MC. 


What I Felt

In both instances to significantly varying levels, I first felt anger.....guilt followed along with sadness/fear for jeopardizing relationships and 'shame' for a loss of face. 

Immediate Analysis: 

Upon reflection, there were some common themes: 
  • I had blown up these events in my head to be bigger than what they actually were. In other words, I had needlessly and sub-consciously built up these events to be 'critical.'
    • This in turn meant that my vision had narrowed and I was on the edge. Important to note that this was without me being aware. The "crocodile" was under the water and had grabbed me! 
    • So, things had to be 'perfect/my way' and no deviations by others or changing their minds were tolerated. An old pattern ('Affect Program') had been triggered and played out. 
  • In the first instance, the fact that I had had a few glasses of wine certainly enhanced the irritation and lowered the ability to respond skilfully. 
Response:
  • I apologised to each person within a few hours. 
  • Lata and I spoke at lenght about the incident. A few themes emerged. We committed to specific productive actions that each of could take in the future. 
  • Yet, in the first instance especially, the 'hangover' of my actions stayed with me for quite a while (not fully gone as yet - six weeks later). This is known as the 'Refractory' period.
  • I made a commitment to take a month of alcohol and be more judicious in the future. 
Retreating:

I had immersed in considerable activity over the past three weeks and felt harried. Plus, the fact that these two regrettable episodes had happened within a short time-span set off an alarm. So, for the past week, I have intentionally chosen to follow what the 8th century Indian king/philosopher Shantideva stated - "When the mind is agitated, be like wood." 

Self-care and centering were needed. I was supposed to travel to an Ashram, but I did not go. Instead, I retreated at my home itself. Other than a visit to a doctor and early morning yoga classes, I have not left the gated community. I have largely remained at home focussing on:
  • Being disciplined about my meditation practice including 'Loving Kindness.'
  • Studying (going back to a course in 'Training the Mind' based on Applied Buddhist Psychology)
  • Swimming/exercising
  • Archived most WhatsApp Groups and avoided a few social invitations
Impact:
Do I feel dramatically different? I can't say that. No magic wand here. But certainly feel more settled

Creating this space has allowed me to process what happened (this note is an outcome). Feels better having done this.  Also launched a monthly online program that I had been procrastinating about for a few months. 

And the journey continues...







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