Lesson #4: LOOK FOR THE UNDERLYING NEEDS




“I can’t connect with you” she said. And then repeated it barely a few hours later!

For those of you who know me, I cherish personal connections, so you can imagine my shock!

Yet another powerful lesson learnt from the nine day intensive program on Non-Violent Communication that I learnt is how fragile indeed my ego is. The above statement was made by someone I hardly knew. In fact, I must confess that there were many triggers that were pushed when I came across this person even before she made these statements. Then, why the heck was I shocked? Why did it bother me so?

The nine-day program helped me ‘stay’ with this feeling, rather than quickly make meaning as the mind tends to do. And little by little, as I went deeper, the inherent needs that were not being met emerged. Yup, the need to be liked by all – even by someone I might not care for too much. Therein lay the deeper lesson learnt – Every thing that we do is driven to meet a need. And once we can actually identify that need, in ourselves or others, the better we are placed to respond in an appropriate manner.

Going through this journey was useful in this particular case, as I moved away from my typical response of lampooning this person to a more inward looking one. Recognizing this need actually allowed me to respond a whole lot better…. and led to a significantly diminished sense of hurt as well.

Yup, identifying the underlying NEEDS is absolutely key towards understanding ourselves and each other!


Comments

  1. EclecticaSeptember 15, 2016 at 11:19 PM

    Actually Sanjay, I found/find it a trifle weird that even after a seemingly warm chat over coffee, when we meet at the studio, you don't quite acknowledge me. I am a person who when she recognises someone, automatically smiles in acknowledgement, and I noticed that wasn't really reciprocated by you, which I did find odd, given your profession, but beyond wondering about it a couple of times, decided that it wasn't worth my time or thinking. I recognised that I didn't 'need' to be acknowledged by you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sanjay Rao Chaganti - HAPPINESS CATALYSTSeptember 16, 2016 at 6:38 AM

      Dear Leela, Thank you for your honesty and stating it as you saw it. I am so glad we have since connected and cleared up the air. I really value your contribution. Please keep them coming.

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